Funerals, memorial services, and other farewell rituals serve important psychological functions — they mark a death as real, provide a structure for grief, and create a collective space for mourning. Children benefit from being included in these rituals, but how to include them appropriately requires thought.
Should Children Attend Funerals?
The research and clinical consensus is clear: children who are included in funeral and memorial rituals tend to cope better than those who are excluded. Exclusion, intended to protect children, often leaves them with a sense of having been shut out of something important, and can make the death feel more unreal and frightening.
That said, inclusion should be chosen, not forced. Ask the child. Give them real information about what will happen so they can make an informed choice: "There will be a casket/urn with Grandma's body. People will be crying. We'll talk about Grandma and remember her together." A child who knows what to expect and chooses to attend is much more prepared than one who is surprised.
Preparing Children
Before the funeral or memorial:
- Explain what will happen, in concrete terms: who will be there, what the space will look like, what people will do and say
- Explain that people will be sad and may cry — and that's okay
- Answer questions about the body honestly: "Yes, Grandma's body will be there. Her body doesn't feel anything anymore."
- Give them permission to cry, or not to cry
- Arrange for a trusted adult to be specifically responsible for the child throughout
- Have a plan for if the child needs to leave — a quiet room, a trusted adult who can take them outside
Ways Children Can Participate
- Carrying a flower or placing it on the casket or grave
- Drawing a picture to be placed with the person or displayed at the memorial
- Reading a poem or story they've written or chosen
- Lighting a candle
- Releasing something (a balloon, if environmentally appropriate; a paper boat on water)
- Choosing a song that's played
- Sharing a memory with family members at the gathering afterward
After the Ritual
Talk to children about how it went. "What was it like? What will you remember? How are you feeling?" The ritual is a beginning of grieving, not an end. Keep talking about the person who died in the weeks and months that follow.
For more, see our complete guide on children and death and our guide on children and grief.